Staff Benda Bilili

A few days ago I went to Musée Dapper to see the documentary film Benda Bilili about disable street musicians from Kinshasa. The film was well made. It managed to grasp the harsh reality of being disable and live on the street but also the fantastic solidarity and spirit between the musicians. On top of this was a successful dose of humor. At the same time as you tried to keep the small tear from running down your cheek you just had to laugh out loud. As it was the avant-premier the film was followed by a discussion. The discussion wasn't out of this world but there was a nice atmosphere. The film surely had an impact on me as ever since I have non-stop been googling and YouTubing the band. The music is great, not because they are disable and living on the street but because they manage to capture so many different styles of music and make you want to get up and dance. Respect!

Trollet is quietly back

It is something about being alone that brings out the ideas and lust to write. Trollet, the mind and the lump haven't really been working or not working the last year and a half. They have just co-existed very functionally, as a unity. A Happy Unity enjoying every moment of life. It felt and feels like the mind had/has nothing to scream about, the lump nothing to be confused about and Trollet didn't have to act as a peacemaker in between. Trollet could for once just enjoy and relax.

Oh, don't believe that all this has now changed. It hasn't. Trollet is just temporarily home alone as F went sailing. Still this feeling of being alone makes the mind think and the fingers write. Write about what? Well certainly not a summery of the last 2 years.

The mind has been thinking about evil in russian writers after a discussion she had with a professor in literature. The mind has also been wondering about love and its different forms. Someone just told Trollet that loving a pear and loving a person is the same thing. Trollet, the functioning unity, simply doesn't agree. How could it be the same? It is more the language that tricks us by using the same word, that's all. Loving a pear has nothing to do with passion, love, friendship, laughter and tears. When one talks about loving a certain kind of food one should instead say: I nam nam pear or I nam nam pasta, or for other activities: I wautsiwow going to the movies or even something in that style.

Loving pasta or peanuts has nothing to do with passion, love or even unanswered love. So why is the difference so big? Well according to some there isn't any difference between the two but according to this unity the difference is what makes it so special to say you love someone.

Bye

Trollet, the lump and the mind celebrated new years eve last night. It was a well functioning unity. They talked, smiled, laughed and had a good time. Excellent. So today it is a new year, alright. Many people around trollet wishes that this year will be better than last. For this unity 2008 will defenitely be different from any year before. Trollet is leaving Åbo now, and with her she has the mind that is looking forward to everything new and the lump that is grumpy about the heat it will have to suffer with. Yes yes, let's go now.

Okey

Trollet say bye and wishes everyone a good one. For the readers that wants to see what she is up to for the next 7 months can read "Trollet in Benin" (link on the left side). Moi moi

Company and beauty

Feels like ages ago since the last entry and actually it is only a few days ago. What has Trollet been up to? Well, she has been meeting friends and been trying to pack her flat in boxes. Decent amounts of wine have been consumed. Friday she spent the night with three lovely creatures but in the morning/day when she walked home she didn’t feel very lovely. Her head was spinning around, feeling dizzy and sweaty. The best part was that when she came home she directly had to start packing the flat and clean… not the best combination. Luckily Bex came over to keep her company and later the same evening 6 more friends came over with wine, beer and vodka. Oh la la. Trollet was still so tired from the night before. But she realized how magnificent it is to have 7 good friends at your place drinking wine when you are packing and getting ready for a great adventure. Wouldn’t be fun to do it alone. Today Matsen came over to say good bye, and that was really nice. He is great.

Last night certain things were said that always makes Trollet feel strange. At some point of the night they were talking about Trollet and the strange effect she has on people; don’t ask her why they did this. Amongst other things F said that many people say that Trollet is beautiful. Hmm, huh? Well it is not a news flash that she apparently has some kind of sex-appeal as she has been hearing that for as long as she remembers but beautiful… she can’t relate to that at all. Trollet, beautiful? She could admit social and maybe cute sometimes, but beautiful… That special Someone has also been telling her lately that she is so beautiful and for Trollet it is like someone is talking about another creature. She is maybe funny and strange, but not beautiful. Feels just as ridiculous as when some dude a few weeks ago wanted her to be his princess. PRINCESS? Jesus Christ, who thinks Trollet wants to be a princess, give me a fucking break. She is rather a hangover tired looking Troll than a beautiful princess.

Isn’t beauty anyways in the eyes of the observer…

Empty

Christmas holiday is over and Trollet is back in Turku. She feels incredibly empty. Where are all the great emotions she just had? Are they gone? No, she is just trying to hold it all together. Trying to be rational, which is not always the easiest.

Trollet spent Christmas holidays talking about Benin with relatives. Some thought that it sounded quite interesting while her uncle said: “have fun with the niggers”... WHAT do you say to that?? Maybe nothing, too chocked to say anything at all. Grandma couldn’t understand why Trollet would go there in the first place, WHY Africa? She thinks that as Trollet has a master degree she should get a job in that area. Trollet tried to explain that she has a master degree in philosophy… and that doesn’t simply give you a job. She couldn’t then understand why Trollet has studied it if she knew all along that she wouldn’t get a direct job out of it. Trollet tried again to explain that she doesn’t want to have an ordinary job, whatever that is; that she wants to travel the world. That she doesn’t find it appealing to settle down at one place. Grandma said that Trollet is weird and a confused being; that of course one has to settle down, have a family and get a proper job. Trollet again explained that this Benin job experience is also a part of a bigger picture. This might open new doors, new opportunities. And that philosophy is fascinating and studies in it gives you an incredible base for further pondering. What is there to ponder about, grandma said? Well yes, one can wonder, what is there to ponder about. How about the phrase above “have fun with the niggers”…

Trollet doesn’t expect grandma to understand her or her lifestyle (luckily she only knows small small fragments of it) as grandma never had the chance to study as they couldn’t afford it. She has worked from the age of 16 at the same factory. Then she got two daughters and when they were around 10 her husband died. She has always struggled with money and security was the most important thing, which Trollet can understand. Based on this it is understandable that grandma doesn’t understand Trollet’s way of life, but one would also think that she could be happy that Trollet now has this fantastic opportunity to travel, work abroad and be a free spirit. Nope. Old dogs don’t learn to sit and grandmas don’t learn to appreciate new ways of thinking and living.

Trollet also got the question if she plans to take someone from Benin with her back home. Who, she asked? Well someone, an African, or a few. What? You can’t just take someone with you home, sounds like people talk about domestic pets. Will you take a puppy with you home, for your amusement? What is wrong with people? So just because I am a white female I can go to Africa and take a few men with me home? Hey, hello!!

Trollet is empty, very empty.

In between emotions

Trollet is right in between big emotions. Wanting to feel, just breaking down all the walls around her, and feel, feel enormous emotions that are inside of her. She wants to show them, tell that someone in a way that someone would understand, without feeling trapped. In all honesty she has no idea what she wants from that someone, she just can’t stop thinking about and wanting to be in that someone’s company. At the same time she also wants to pack her bag and leave, just run, run like hell. She is good at that. She wants to put it all in a little box that she can open once in a while and be remembered of a great passion. Maybe that is all it is, passion? Maybe. Wouldn’t be the first time.

She will be stuck with herself, just the mind, the lump and Trollet in Benin. No one else. She enjoys doing that, going to places where she knows no one but she just realized today that she is doing it again. Trollet is leaving. Of course she knew that she is leaving, it is her choice, but it really hit her today. She will leave with all these emotions, not knowing what to do with them. Time changes things, in good and bad. Now she doesn’t know what time will do to these emotions and that feels like standing on the edge of a tree branch that someone is slowly breaking. If she doesn’t move from the edge she will just fall down. So should she jump? Should she try to reach the tree? Should she wait for the fall? Should she try to climb up or down? No idea. What she does is escaping. She has never escaped this far before. Well once she took the train to china. Benin still feels further away, in many ways.

Trollet is surprised about all these mixed emotions about many things and important people. It really hit her today that she is leaving and suddenly she felt like the glass in too full to hold its content. Its running over, which might be a good thing. If the glass is too full it is good to pour some of it out, in the sink. Which part is she pouring out? The strong emotions? No, she can’t, they are not willing to leave the glass. Maybe she is just pouring out the confusions that she is feeling. Lots of the emotions got to do with the fact that she is leaving for a great adventure and she doesn’t know what to except and all that, but not all of them. Maybe she will find some “inner peace”, whatever that is, at the beaches of Grand Popo. Or then not. Maybe she will be able to separate some feelings in 5 months, what has been excitement about leaving, passion for someone, love for someone, an urge to leave and so on. Maybe someone also knows but they don’t reach the same point. It is all possible. It is called living.

Standing in the window looking for those morals

So today she is doing it, standing in the window wondering where she left those morals, but she is not searching for them, just wondering where she left them. She doesn't have to look hard because she knows exactly at which point and where she left them. When that hand touched her hair and those lips touched hers she completely forgot the meaning of morals.

Oh dear.

A kiss became a mess and Trollet made an escape. So the story goes. How hard is she looking for those morals? Nah, she will make herself some coffee instead. What kills her is the impact this has on others. As silly as it seems this really has an impact on others, especially for the one that had to witness it all. Is Trollet now full of regrets and feeling terrible? No, she is actually not. She was very aware of what she did. She wanted it and still does.

Trollet is hosting a party tonight at her place. She will go and get some whiskey. Think it might be needed tonight. She is feeling funny, strange and weird.