Trollet has been in the forest

Trollet is back from the forest, where she spent one evening, night and day with the work crew. What a evening! Excellent people. The only thing she can't handle is the drunken singing, especially finnish-swedish songs, she simply can't stand it, so she took a walk. Then she had an interesting night discussion, yes yes, very interesting. Can't exactly remember all that was said but she does remember some juicy parts, jep jep. Trollet has a bruise on her butt. She took a piss in the forest and calmly walked back pulling her pants up when she suddenly fell and rolled down a hill, hitting her butt against a rock. Oh well, these things happen. All in all a very good cottage weekend. She also got to play with fire, heating up the sauna. Trollet enjoys that. Shame that a silly lump and the lumps partner left so early. She really likes them. Excellent lumps to spend time with.

Trollet hasn't been writing about the trinity lately. Feels like the lump, the mind and trollet is not connected at all. She should stay focused but the mind keeps on rowing away. The lump is just out and about wanting something, not sure what, while Trollet is content. Very mixed ensemble. Where the bloody hell is the mind going? No idea. Maybe far. Think it is time for trollet to travel before the mind messes things up. Luckily the lump also has a will of its own, not only listening to the mind, that is acting very silly. Oh well.

Garden of Eden and unknown people

Trollet finished Hemingway’s Garden of Eden and she has to say that she is disappointed. It started out quite interestingly with the woman being a woman at day but turning into a man at night. Wanting to be a man. Turning herself and her husband into one person, looking exactly the same, so they could be like one. Messy but intriguing story. They hooked up with a third person the girl, that didn’t have much of an own will. She was just there for both of them. Then it just ended. Apparently the story was published after Hemingway’s death so maybe he never really finished it. It seemed like the atmosphere that was building up just died. What was the point of the book? Maybe Trollet missed some underlying message or wasn’t smooth enough to understand the meaning of reading between the lines, but it just seems that there wasn’t any of that. Maybe ‘the girl’ was the woman’s gentle personality? Nah, Trollet is shaking her head. Probably Hemingway put more to gender roles that he realized himself… Trollet is just disappointed in the book. You read the last 20 pages thinking alright, this might still end interestingly, but then.. nope. It just ends. You feel empty, and then you are supposed to go to sleep. How can you sleep with this empty feeling and disappointed? Sure there are worse things than a plain book, but in the moment that is all you can think of. The plain text.

Trollet has been out and about. Can’t say that this fall is boring. Thousand of things going on. Yesterday she went to Kakola, the prison. Scarry place, she was happy she got out of there. That is no place for a nature digging Troll. She also met the boys last night for a few glasses of wine and while biking home she realized how many great people she has around her. The urge to run from Turku is not as strong. Of course she is still on the go, as she has quite a few applications going on, all of them being abroad, but she doesn’t have the feeling of wanting to scream and run. Just go for exploring, not for escaping. This weekend L&N are staying over and on Saturday Trollet is going to the forest with her work crew. Drinking wine and spending the night at some cottage. Should be fun, at least Trollet is looking forward to this. Besides this Trollet has been contacted by quite a few people she doesn’t know. Some Antti called her yesterday, apologizing to bother her but wondering how she is doing. Huh? Trollet is fine, thanks. He sounded nice but she has no clue who he is. Today she got a message over internet from some other dude asking how she is doing. He had her e-mail address but knew her as Trollet. Should she know who it is? Oh well. As long as people aren’t freaky and become stalkers, it’s fine. Trollet doesn’t need more stalkers in her life.

Genderless dreams

Trollet has been having these strange dreams.

She was back together with her ex, who was this time a female. When trollet looked at him he was the way he was then but in other peoples eyes he was a female which meant that they were looked upon and treated as a lesbian couple. Trollet had a hard time understanding why others saw him as a woman while Trollet saw him as man. Even his dad was in the dream, saying: ‘ah trollet so now you will go to bed with a women, how does it feel’ but when she entered the bedroom there he was, not very feminine. In the dream she just decided that oh well, male-female, so what, individuals as individuals.

Last night she had a dream that the earth had so many people that not everyone could use a body. Somehow there was an enormous basement where all the bodies were and in the morning the head just asked for a body and a random body appeared. This meant that all the people sleeping and the ones traveling long distance didn’t take much place as only the head was present. This also meant that gender didn’t matter as you always got a random body. The bodies were not genderless but rather that one day you had a female body and the next a males body but it wasn’t something people focused on as the focus was on the head, the mind and the ideas. The focus on the body was completely gone.

Quite an interesting dream. Seems like her work place, department of women’s studies, has had a lot of influence on her dreams..

Trollet forgot what to write

It happened again..
She had completely clear thoughts last night, things made sense and she was looking forward thinking about it today, but nah, clear thoughts at night seems to disappear into the dark. Trollet was smiling and nodding to herself, that is how clear it was. Where do the thoughts go? Do they just die during the night or do they dig a hole in Trollet's mind and hide, just to tease? Not sure. Hopefully they come back tonight.
She remembers certain thoughts but not the general idea. Something about kidnapping a specific lump that has no clue yet that it will happen and taking that lump abroad.
Well, maybe she doesn't have the courage but she would want to. Be more spontaneous than now and say, hey lump, wanna do this? Some would probably say that Trollet is quite spontaneous already but she could see herself much more spontaneous. She doesn't mean doing stupid things, rather interesting fun stuff that just needs to be done now. Trollet and the lump will meet, should she just kidnap right away or slowly bring on the idea of leaving this town, for a few months... crazy crazy ideas. yes yes she knows. What will the lump think? Is the idea of being kidnapped by trollet and taken for adventure scary in a positive way or just generally scary?

Trollet is very content. She is happy at work, interesting stuff and lots to do, lovely people. She is also happy with her free time activity. Lots of sports and meeting people. Since she came home from Norway and Sweden she has only been home to sleep. Feels good to be active and not think negative thought that doesn't bring you anywhere. Tonight she is meeting a sort of friend that isn't really a friend, yet. Might become friends and why not. Friends are good.

Trollet is back to being Trollet, full tempo, messy hair and lots of laughter.

Traveling..

Trollet found out that she was nothing but a rebound girl..yup, she was needed to get over her, needed when he was lonely, she was a target for his attention, but after all she wasn´t needed anymore when he sorted his life out. She can´t say she isn´t disappointed in people, becaus she is. Especially him, she thought more of him, and yet she was so wrong. Is she angry and bitter? Yes. Is she sad? Don´t know, at least that hasn´t hit her yet. Really just disappointed in people. But after all it is defenitely his loss and her gain. If he doesn´t appreciate trollet and understands what he is holding in his hands then she is much better off without him.

So what did trollet do after finding this out, well the next morning at 5 a.m she woke up and took the plane to oslo. Now she has been here 3 days and it was the best thing she could of done. She is really enjoying seeing lovely friends that she hasn´t seen in over 2 years and simply walking around the city, drinking coffee, laughing, discussion anthroplogy, drinking wine and all that. She also has many many traveling/living abroad thoughts in her head that needs to be put in action. She also has friends that are more than excited to go with her abroad. Friends are good in that way that they don´t suddenly call you one day and inform you that nah, i am now tired of this friendship and that we never see each other. Friends make time for each other and look forward meeting. Trollet will stick to friends for a while. Friends and exciting travel dream. At least there is no one holding her back. Actually things are quite alright.

Trollet is on the run..

Trollet is off for a while, she is going to Helsinki, Oslo and the some cottage somewhere in Sweden, actually she has no clue where about. Looking forward meeting old friends in Oslo, far away family and taking long lonely walks in the forest. She needs it. 

Time off lots of things but also last holiday before her new job starts.

Frogs visiting Trollet

Thoughts about "being" together

Two people are sitting on a couch, they look at easy with the situation, but there is still some sort of tension in the air. What are they discussing? They shake hands and decide: Okey, let's be together, you and me, as a couple. How does that sounds? Strange yes. But how do you do that and what does it mean to be "together" with someone? Trollet is also together with the people she is having a glass of wine with, but not in "that" sense.. in which sense? The sense of being -you and me-.

You hang out with someone for some time and then you just realize that you find yourself in a relationship with that person. Other times you hang out for quite some time but when you start to think about it you are not quite sure what it is the two of you share? Sexual desire? Need to have someone in your life to fill up the empty space? Love? Understanding? Well it could obviously be all sort of things people share. Why do we have such a need to define situations? Not all do, but most of us do. We have to able to put it in some sort of box. It is quite alright to just hang around with someone, for a while, without having any form of definition of what it really is. In time one of the people involved wants to know. Has Trollet experienced this? Yes, she has, from both side of the story. One side: She was happy with just -being- whatever that meant but the other couldn't handle it. That person needed a definition. Today Trollet is cut off from that persons life, he wants nothing to do with her. Trollet assumes she meant a lot to him and didn't really realize and didn’t take any responsibility of the situation and of his feelings. He is pissed but also scarred that she would have such an influence again. The situation worked for her, but not for the him. Is that fair? Nah, that is exactly the point. When does it begin to be unfair? He never suggested that they should be -together- probably because he knew that she would have left. So he stayed in it. And so did she.

So why the urge to know? You might feel like you a hanging from a cliff if you don’t know. At least a definition straightens some things out. Like what? Well relationships look different. You might be two people or more, be sexually exclusive or not, live together or not, and so on. If you are sexually exclusive a defined relationship means, or should mean, that no one else touches you partner and you partner doesn’t touch someone else. Obviously that is not always the case. So is it all about sex? That we want someone for ourselves that we say: now, baby, it is you and me! Nah, it is about much more one would think. Friendship, openness, trust, sharing time and so on. But doesn’t that sound exactly like a good friendship? So how are relationships different? You now have restrictions.. you shouldn’t do this and that, but what do you gain? Love, respect, intimacy, safety? Not always. In many cases not at all. People abuse each other severely, both mentally and physically. They abuse the one they should respect, love and have as their best friend. Relationships huh?

Are some people more lonely riders while some are more couple people? Well, some are always with someone else. Trollet isn’t much of an exception. Some are always alone. Is it because they have chosen to be? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes people just find themselves in relationship they don’t want to be in and shouldn’t be in, but they still are. People are silly. Let’s face it, it brings much joy to be around other people but it isn’t always easy. You should understand and support your partner, and your partner should do the same to you. But what if you don’t understand what your partner needs and wants? Trollet isn’t saying that you can’t be very very happy in a well functioning relationship, because yes, you can. She is just wondering about the structure of relationships. Is our way the natural way? Okey okey, what is THE natural way. Maybe she meant, is that the –only- way? Surely it is not. In many cultures it looks different, for example a man can have many wives. Well, that doesn’t sound too juicy in Trollet’s ears. That is of course not the only “other” way. Anyways, She has no good answer, she is just curious about our need to categorize people, relationships, situations, ourselves and so on. Are we silly or is it just Trollet’s crazy mind playing tricks?