Self destructiveness

Why are trolls/lumps/minds self destructive? Why do you do something you know you will suffer from, really feel sick from, both physically and mentally? Why do you push away the people you feel the most connected with? Why do you hurt yourself in order to feel. Why do some almost kill themselves trying to feel something? Why are we/They/some so self destructive? Why do you want the things you can't have? Just because you can't have it, you want it even more, you want it desperately. If you finally get it, you don't even know what to do with it. It is fucked up. Minds are fucked up, really twisted bastards.

Why is the mind thinking about this? Not sure. The lump is very tired, the mind is searching while Trollet is standing in the middle not knowing where to go. Someone told Trollet she should stop having relationships with men. That is why trollet has felt so lonely in relationships, that no one understands her, that someone said. Is that so? She would like to think that if and when she falls for someone it is because it is that particular person, not because it is a man. So could she have a relationship with a woman. Certainly, yes. But trollet wouldn't say that women in general understand her any better. It is some particular people that understand her quite well, both men and women. Maybe it is still time for something different? It is true that all her serious relationships have been with men. Why is that so? It could have been just as well women. Trollet has probably been so stuck in some heteronormative thinking. Ah, she is tired of herself. Love is blind, right? so why wouldn't it be gender-blind? The point is that it IS, but not everyone has understood it yet.

Feminism and tired lump

The lump is tired, the mind is quiet and Trollet is listening to jeff Buckley. The unity is not fully connecting, really feels like three separate parts that have to co-operate even though they don't want to. At least they are not arguing.

Mom and Dad visited Trollet and her brother in Turku. Nice until her dad chocked her. Trollet usually used her dad as example for being a typical feminist. He has always encouraged trollet and her sister to do the things they like, taught them the same things as he did taught his son, complained about other businessmen that don't want to employ women, and he is the one that shops, cooks and cleans at home while mom is working and writing on her PH.D thesis. (he is nowadays retired). Then at the dinner table we talk about vegetarianism and feminism. Trollet states that: well obviously all of us are feminists, and then he drops the bomb. I am definitely not a feminist, he says. I would never use that horrible word, that means men haters, and are so extreme. What??? Trollet is chocked. What does he mean? Then he says, yes, of course you are capable of doing anything you like but that is called equality, NOT feminism. Trollet tries to explain that THAT is feminism, and being a feminist is a wonderful thing. Dad shakes his head saying No NO i am definitely not a feminist. Of course, the problem here is conceptual. He IS a feminist, but he doesn't see it in the light of the word feminism. Trollet was chocked and very disappointed.

The discussion was heated as usually. Discussions at Trollet's family dinner table are always heated. Luckily this discussion didn't end in someone leaving pissed off. Trollet understands that dad only has a problem with the word and not with the feminist idea, but why? Of course it would be terrible if the problem wouldn't be the word but the idea.. sure, but for Trollet it is such an obvious matter that she will not even consider that option. Well good thing we had that discussion because Trollet is quite sure he doesn't talk about things like that with the neighbours.. He needs a good spicy discussion and new ways of thinking. Hopefully he still thinks about it. Trollet doesn't want to think that her dad isn't a feminist.

The lump is tired and yearning. She could use one more day off.

About Being Lonely

Trollet has again been out an about. Theatre, wine, more wine, good discussions and last night when Trollet was laying on her sofa completely dead from the night before and a busy day at work, they informed her that they will come over with a box of wine, tapas and a good spirit. Again a good night. Trollet has been talking about being lonely in crowds before, and being lonely even though you are two. She is realizing that she has never been lonelier than when she has been in a relationship. What, how can she say that? Easily. She has been with people that haven’t really understood her or the way she is. Then you easily feel lonely and very misunderstood. Trollet is not saying that it has always been like that nor all relationships she has had, but at least the last two. The other person is constantly there, in one way or another, but never really at all. Now that she is in that aspect alone, relationship wise, she doesn’t feel lonely at all. Almost contrary. She hasn’t had much time to herself, which she hasn’t needed, which she usually does, when she is in a relationship. She has people round her all the time, sure, but it is not the physical presence she is talking about. It is a feeling. The people she has around her are people that, at least in some sense, understand her, and makes life feel very -now and here-. They don't make her feel lonely, which one easily feels when surrounded by people one is not comfortable with. It is horrific to think that she has had a relationship with someone she thinks she feels good with, thinks she want to be with and yet feel so lonely. What has she been thinking? Anyways, the point was not to discuss past relationships but rather say: hey Trollet is not feeling lonely, which she has felt more or less for more than a year. Lonely in many ways, despite the constant comings and goings. Trollet is back to being Trollet. Oh yes, feels good. Wonder where she was, here for a while? Maybe in lonesome town that Rick Nelson sings about. Ha ha, okey that was maybe a bit over dramatic. Lonesome town is a very sad place to visit. Luckily she is not a regular quest.

Trollet is going to Helsinki, to stay with K. She is also meeting up with a special friend. It will be great. On Monday and Tuesday she will attend a conference. The weather is shaise but she doesn’t really mind at all. So what that you get a bit wet when you go out?

Manipulative voice

Trollet had a vision last night. Well maybe not a vision, but an idea, a dream of some sort. She wasn't really sleeping but not really a wake. She had a voice in her head saying weird things and trying to convince her to do this and that. A very powerful and convincing voice. In her vision the same voice appeared on the radio the next morning. Trollet froze when she heard her "head voice" on the radio. Do other people also hear it or is it some sort of underlying manipulative voice that you don't actually hear but that your mind picks up, and you decide to do the things the voice told you to do, even though you never really heard the voice.. Trollet started to notice that people begun to do the things the voice had said, but people looked at her strangely when she asked if they had heard a voice on the radio? Ehm, well yes, there is usually someones voice in the radio.. well well not THAT voice, this a different voice.. nah, people had not heard a different voice on the radio, even though they clearly started to follow the voices message. What to do?

Trollet fell asleep and still doesn't know what to think of this idea/dream/vision, whatever it was. Big brother indeed.

Okey, back to earth and normal stuff. The sofa-welcoming-party was a success. The sofa was glad that so many people sat in it, and glad to be called Blö. On Sunday Blö was though a bit irritated and sad as everyone had been smoking in the flat and Blö doesn't like to smell like cigarettes many days after a party. Today Blö is already smiling at Trollet. They will have a good understanding. Sadly Blö couldn't join the people when they hit the bars. All in all it was a very good night, even though everyone got very heavily effected by the amount of alcohol that was enjoyed. Trollet will try to drink less wine this week, well at least during the work days. The week will be filled with work, sports, theater, Helsinki, reggae thing and things like that.

what is the new sofas name?

How to give something/someone a name? On what do you base your decision? Many people have decided the namne before a baby is born, so then one can not say that "it" just "looked" like Bill or Bull. So do you chose a namne based on how it sounds? Trollet doesn't know. Her last sofa's name was -hängläpp- cause it looked so bloody sad. So, okey, trollet based that name on it's looks. She gave that sofa away and got L's old sofa, which is huge, blue and a good place where trollet can hide. The problem remains: Trollet is having a party tonight, and she likes to think that it is a sofa-welcoming-party, and to do it correctly she thinks she needs to give it a proper name, or at least some sort of welcoming-name. But now that she looks at it, she can't think of a name, maybe because they don't have a relationship yet. Maybe bruno. So is it a male? nah, she likes to think of her sofa as a butch woman. Why? well. Actually the sofa lookes genderless. It is neither a chick or a dude sofa, it is just IT. Lovely. Trollet has a genderless sofa. ha ha. Makes Trollet very happy. Welcome to my cave, blue sofa. Bleu? Blue in french, and it could be pronounced Blö. yes yes yes. The name will be Blö. How does that sound?

"i would like to wlecome you to this magnificent event. name giving of my new lovely sofa. The name will be Blö" applause applause.

yeah?

Trollet will tell you tomorrow how it went!