Clear thoughts at nights

Why is it so that one has perfectly clear thoughts at night. Things make sense and well formed sentences pop up in the darkness. You feel like you should and want to get up and write these thoughts and well formed sentences down, but you are convinced you'll have them as clearly in front of you in the morning, but you never do. Why don't we learn to simply get up and write them down? Trollet has done it a few times and it has turned out to be the best things she ever wrote. She hasn't done it for the past two years. Maybe she hasn't had so clear thoughts. Last night she did. Sentence after sentence just kept on appearing. It was fantastic text. It was text produced by the mind. Text she was proud of. Text she thought she could quote here. Text she now has no memory off. Damn. She wants that bloody text. It is hers. Could it be that the words she didn't write down now appears in someone elses head, in the darkness? Maybe her neighbour will get famous for these words. Damn, they are hers. Give my sentences back!

She has an idea though. She has been reading a PhD dissertation in philosophy with the title: "The fear of openness: An essay on Friendship and the Roots of Morality" which has made her think quite a lot. It is extremely well written. Openness, what is that and is Trollet open in her relationships, both in love and friendship? She would of course like to say that: sure, open as a book, but is it always so? Openness is between people, just like Joel writes.

Let me quote him: "...openness, an absolutely ungarded, entirely personal communion between people in which nothing is held back - and that, morally and existentially speaking, this is also what is at stake in our relationship with each other quite generally... We desire openness, but at the same time we fear it and feel a need to reject it...The drama of our lives is played out in a constant tension between our desire for openness and our fear of it: this tension gives moral and existential questions their urgency."

He also writes about being alone in crowds, alone in relationships, friendship and fellowship ,which made Trollet smile, as she has been thinking about quite a bit lately. Trollet thinks that all this reading last night made her mind jump and made up some beautiful text itself. Maybe the secret then is to continue reading and hope that her text will reappear in her mind. Sounds like a good plans as she is quite into this book now!

No point in skipping the wine

Alright, so she didn't have wine on saturday, instead many alcoholic drinks with S. That was really nice as they haven't met in a while. Good old S. Trollet still took an early night as she just needed sleep after all the wine the previous days. She also felt like she needed some Troll time. On sunday she was laying naked in bed with her laptop and felt she could stay there all day, until B called and suggested a coffee. Alright Trollet thought and invited B over. B came, coffee turned in to a five hour lunch including a bottle of wine and dessert. Excellent. The wine was good, the food was good, the dessert was good but best of all was the company. A strange feeling this sunday morning turned in to a superb day. Company is good. She feels like she is repeating herself but tomorrow she shall be off the wine and go for a long jogg. Soon M comes to turku, she is looking forward to that.

Rock n' Roll in Turku

Wine, wine and more wine. So it has been the last days, and it has been bloody excellent. Excellent to meet so many of good old friends. Wednesday was wine with K. Thursday took trollet to the dudes for some wine and then to a gig with the superb marja. Marja and Trollet got lost in a park at 4 in the morning, laying down on the ground and just being there in the moment. Trollet found her way home around 4.30 but ended up watching chat tv until 5.30.. why? well, the obvious answer: the flat spinns around, then it is better so stay up watching chat tv than suffer. It was a great evening besides the chat tv session.

She woke up to a ringing mobile and a terrible headache. L wanted her to come to Cittaren, Trollet wasn't even able to talk properly. She dragged herself out of bed and joined L. She bought some food, but when she came home she realized that the fridge didn't work at all anymore... damn. Hang over and a broken fridge. What else? Ok ok, she has to admit that is wasn't totally NOT her fault. Well.. on thursday she defrosted her fridge and freezer, and while she was hitting the chunk of ice with a sharp knife she accidentaly hit the electric cord.. and yeah, it did let out lots of stream. Ups. So... we can't say it wasn't her fault.. Well of course Trollet still felt like a victime, when she was standing there hang overed with lots of food that needed to be in the fridge. When she called the owner she was surprised how easy it was to convince him to buy a new fridge. Of course she didn't mention the little knife accident, but the fridge was anyways an old shitty fridge that had a loose door that Trollet had fixed with silver duck tape. That explains how pretty it was. Well she still needed to go and buy the bloody thing. Of course she doesn't have a car, and she was tired. But she convinced k to join her to the store, by bus, and that made it much more fun.

All right, one problem gone. Hang over still present. How to fix that? Well obviously with dinner and 3 bottles of wine. Excellent evening again. Now she has a wine headache and waits for the new fridge to arrive. Maybe she should call it 'the chill master' as it will be bloody cool and chills down Trollet's ciders. How about that? Tonight she plans to skipp the wine. We shall see how that goes.

More patient?

Someone told Trollet she needs to be more patient with herself and with others. True, but then again maybe it is for the best to react. When she is patient with herself, or tries to be, usually means that she hides, hides in a cave from it all, instead of saying exactly what is on her mind. Sometimes one needs time to think and collect ones thought before speaking but other times you just know what you want directly, so why not say it? If you react strongly to something as being very unfair, why not say it? Of course there are different ways of saying it, sure. Being patient doens't mean that one shouldn't say what is hiding in that little head, no, but sometimes you just need it to be said at once. Trollet knows that she isn't always extremely patient. She wants things to happens, and she wants them to happen now.. sure, she can admit that. This time though, it wasn't trollet that wasn't patient, giving it all some time, it was someone else. She got upset but she understood. The other person should have been more patient with what he said. Trollet should be more patient but so should others. So, here you go, a little defense speak from The Mind ;)

Things are good. Very good. Trollet is back in Turku, and have just enjoyed a few glasses of wine with K. Nice evening as always. Trollet is glad to be at home. Actually very nice to be home alone for a while. Think about things and sort some things out. She is waiting for a special fool to arrive. She wishes that he would be here, even though she is glad to be alone. Does it make any sense? Nah, maybe not. This is what it means to be two and yet alone, but in a good sense. You can be in someones presence without feeling that you need to entertain. You can just hang out. That is the best sort of two-one. As trollet has stated before one is always alone in life, alone in a profound meaning. You can be with tons of people and feel alone. You can be with just one other person and feel alone. One the other hand you can be alone and not feel alone. You can be 24-7 with someone without feeling bothered. Being alone and together is a funny thing. Trollet can't stop thinking about it. Silly things.

Good Night

Discussion, laughter and tears.

Last night was filled with emotions, mostly happy ones but also some sad ones. All in all it was a great night out. This is how innocent the troll and K looked like...

Okey Okey so things got sorted out with M. What else can she say that she is very happy about that but also very vulnerable.. isn't that so, that you get easily hurt when you let your gards down? Anyhow, enough about that. She realized today that she has had a great need to talk about ex-partner, as the discussion, for hours and hours, has been about him. She know she had a lot of frustration, anger and even feeling of disgust that needed to come out at some point but she didn't know that they were this strong and they needed to come out this much. She is glad they came out. Should be easier to move on once the feelings are gone from the mind. Well, can't say that they are entirely gone, but at least she feels better.

It is strange how people can be egoistic/egocentric and don't see that everything in life isn't about them. Things happen to them and they have their priorities but that doesn't mean that things wouldn't happen to others as well, while they are out and about. If you can't see the other person, really see and understand how you affect them, then it is a lost game. Really lost. It is exciting to travel, indeed, but if you leave someone behind you have to understand that things also happen in that persons life while you are gone and everything isn't about your trip. Surely it isn't easily done, to always be 100% present while being gone, but in the long run it doesn't take that much to ask the other person how that persons day has been. Just one simple question. But no.

Men are silly creatures

Men are silly and strange. What more can you say? Trollet has been at the summerhouse playing pirates with the little boy. Very therapeutic. Then she hopped in the car and drove to Turku. Feels good to be home. Very good. The weekend will be filled with laughter and wine. Trollet can't imagine anything better at the moment. Maybe things will be alright one day.

This is how Trollet looks like while pondering about things.

Lyrics

Trollet seldom quotes lyrics but now she for some reason got an urge to do so. Alright, so here we go. So is this how she feels? Well, there is no clear answer to that, as she feels one thousand different emotions during one hour. This is one side of the coin. The other side looks pretty much the opposite. Right now this is how she feels:

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore lyrics

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching us fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Coz I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

The pieces don't fit anymore
You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises;
I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

The pieces don't fit anymore

More thoughts

Trollet needs to empty her head on thoughts, otherwise it will expload. During the last month she has been writing about being lonely and about happiness. Being lonely in crowds, being lonely even though you are two. This fits very well to what she is feeling right now. She believed she found someone to really share everything with but the realized that she must have been naive, as you are always alone with yourself. people come and go, and all you have in the end is yourself. Bloody yourself. Sometimes being with yourself doesn't feel that bad while other times you want to slap yourself in the face and say shut the fuck up. This doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't share thoughts and ideas with others, but rather that you can't be WITH others if you loose yourself. You have to be comfortable with the little voice inside your head and the gut feeling in the stomach in order to be of any use to others. If the voice is screaming or is totally silent and the gut feeling is having cramps then you must be alone. Alone to figure things out.

What about happiness? The mind has not much to say about happiness right now. The mind is not only rowing on the river this time, it is sailing on the big seas. The lump is just hanging around while Trollet is shaking her head. Happiness? What is that? We think we have it and the suddenly it is gone. Maybe happiness is like a ghost. Some people see it clearly, others not at all, while some see it once in a while. If happiness is like a ghost, Trollet wishes that she could see them.

Trollet doesn't want to play games. Her feelings are strong, she can't deny that, but she is defenitely hurt. How badly she can't say right now. She still, sees them together, she does, just like he NOW wishes them to be, but she can't. She can't right now. She wants to, yes, but she can't. She is hurt. He needs to take this to a compleately new dimension before Trollet will be convinced. It will take much effort from his side. Hopefully he knows it, otherwise it is a lost game. Sadly. She didn't wish this to happen.

Thoughts

Trollet is angry, sad, mad, and in between indifferent. They have talked a bit and ok, she can maybe understand a bit more of what he is saying. he is not a complete asshole..okey okey. He freaked out, too many big feelings at the same time.. alright, but why the hell react like that? Trollet is not an impossible being, she thinks of herself to be rather open. She would understand an emotional freak out and urge to be alone but she can't understand the way he handle it. Not at all. She is done being the understanding one. If you can't handle a freak out as a couple then there isn't much you can handle.

She can't plan a future with someone that is totally unstable even though everything in his life is going exactly the way he planned. So what the bloody hell is the problem? This is what he has chosen to do for a while, and now things are going exactly like that, and suddenly he can't handle anything anymore. Then it is time for him to be alone and leave trollet alone for a while. She doesn't even know what she wants from him anymore.. She doesn't know at all. She wants to be alone. Alone for a while. So it feels in this moment. In the next moment she might feel something else. Time will tell. She has a roller coaster in her head.

Shouldn't it actually be Trollet that is freaking out? Well on the other hand he doesn't even know half of everything that has happened during the last year. Too much, way too much. He knows so little after all. Maybe it is time for Trollet to freak out big times. Anybody willing to help her up after she falls? Kärä? Kärä has always been there after various freak outs. A juicy freak out took place after Iceland.. oh god those days. She knows that Trollet is good at hiding when it feels like the whole base you are standing on is breaking apart. Maybe it is time for her to hide. Find a cave and disappear.

Bloody fool

Someone has been telling Trollet that he is so madly in love with her that is physically hurts for a month, and then a rainy afternoon he just states that is simply doesn't feel NATURAL anymore.. huh what? Excuse me. Well yes the same feeling isn't there even though he has been dreaming about living with her, travel with her and basically spend his life with her, but one rainy afternoon he just though, nah, why do that. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. That is all Trollet has to say. You don't play like that with people. He is what Trollet would like to call a two faced asshole. Manipulative confused and emotional unstable shit hole. Thank you and good bye. He says, well I am sorry, i didn't plan this. If he would have been honest with her and with himself he wouldn't simply be able to change his mind in ONE day.. that is what trollet calls emotional freak! The feeling has certainly been there for so much longer, so why the bloody hell take her to his parents summerhouse and then say, nah.. i don't FEEL it. She doesn't think much of that person right now. She has no respect for him what so ever. Even though he has been extremely good at playing theatre, playing with her feelings. People are so freaky that Trollet has totally lost faith in mankind. Maybe it is so easy that men suck! They suck big times. Trollet isn't actually sad, she is mainly so pissed off that she can't even express it in words. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Trollet is travelling

Trollet is on a go. She has been in Paris where craziness took over. It was a lovely few days she experienced in the city of love. The city is beautiful, the small room charming and the company entertaining. Then Trollet and Kinkke took the train to Italy, to sanremo where they enjoyed sandy beaches for a few days and many many desperate italian men.. Oh la la, lets just say that they don't understand what NO means.. grrr. Oh well. Then they continued by night train to venezia and now they are in Osoppa which is in north of italy. They are here to enjoy sunsplash reggae festival. very nice, very nice, trollet is enjoying herself with all the crazy people around here.