Save it for a rainy day !

A few years ago Trollet's ex played a song for her. To her. He dedicated it to her. He always did that, communicated through music. He thought this song was perfect. Perfect song for the girl with a messy head. He played the song a year after she decided to move out. Move out from the best thing she ever had. We all make mistakes. Mistakes we regret, mistakes we can't erase, and mistakes we realize we had to do. Maybe we need mistakes to learn. Maybe we need them to feel alive. To feel that we actually feel something. Mistakes wakes you up, pulls you out from that safe little bubble you thought you would always be in, until.. until the mistake. The mistake you chose to do. Why you chose it, is another story. Mistakes are good and bad. Maybe it is not so bad to regret.

This is how the song goes:

The Jayhawks:

Pretty little hairdo don't do what it used to
Can't disguise the living
All the miles that you've been through

Looking like a train wreck
Wearing too much makeup
The burden that you carry
Is more than one soul could ever bear

Don't look so sad, Marina
There's another part to play
Don't look so sad, Marina
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day

You neve make your mind up
Like driving with your eyes shut
Rough around the edges
Won't someone come and take you home

Waiting for a breakthrough
What will you set your mind to?
We stood outside the Chinese restaurant
in the rain

Don't look so sad, Marina
There's another part to play
Don't look so sad, Marina
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day
Save it for a rainy day

Should she cry or laugh? But it is true, probably a good song for her.
When they two years later decided to be together again and she moved home from norway,just to be with him, he told her that he couldn't be with her after all, he couldn't forget, he couldn't trust, he couldn't love her like he used to. They didn't meet for some time. When they finally did, he played a song. A song with strong lyrics. Why? Why this song? What is he saying now? Trollet still doesn't know what his idea was, as he never ever said one more word about it. They hardly ever meet anymore. The song he played was David Gray's:

"Please Forgive Me"

Please forgive me
If I act alittle strange
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

Help me out here
All my words are falling short
And there's so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way

Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into some mystery
Deep into that mystery

I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I won't ever have to lose you girl
Won't ever have to say goodbye
I won't ever have to lie
Won't ever have to say goodbye

Please forgive me
If I act alittle strange
For I know not what I do
It's like my head is filled with lightning girl
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

All Trollet can say is: The Impact of music.. oh dear.. the impact of music.

Run Trollet Run...

Trollet needs to leave the city, the country. She needs to get to Benin and hide. She won't be able to hide there very well.. but at least she will be far away Turku and people that drive her insane. Run Trollet run. In 36 days she will be gone. Great.

The mind is playing tricks, The lump is wanting and Trollet is banging her head against the wall. Not a very functioning unity. Not at all. can't we cooperate here, the mind says? No, Trollet says and runs. The lump is also running, but in another direction. Great.

Rufus and Trollet haven't been seeing each other lately, or well, yes they have met but they haven't kept each other warm at night. And they won't. Just end of story, that is all. They haven't agreed this, but Trollet just wants it to be like this. They will always be friends, so no harm done. That Someone is driving Trollet insane. She has no idea what is going on, and maybe better so. Just let it be. Let that Someone be. Maybe they meet before Trollet leaves, but probably not. Trollet is tired. Trollet is tired of being pulled in other people's messes. She has enough with her own, and her mind, that is playing tricks.

Trollet is not sleeping. She is awake at nights thinking about things and a silly lump. She knows that it is strange and really unnecessary as trollet and the silly lump will probably never meet, but the silly lump is still there, on her mind.

Go away from my head: the mind utters.

No, don't go.
Don't go.

Stay in my mind: the mind suddenly shouts.

Silly lump does no harm in the mind. Let the lump be there. Trollet wants silly lump to be there, on her mind. Silly lump is like a fantasy caracter, that doesn't really exist in reality. Just in daydreams. Sometimes Trollet thinks that she made it up. Maybe silly lump really doesn't exist.

Trollet is screaming from the cave

Trollet is irritated, angry, pissed off and what not. Does it sound logical to try to make out with someone that doesn't want it? Try to kiss someone who says: back off. Rational behavior? Fuck rational, trollet says. People say, well, so and so just flipped out a bit. What flipped out? Fuck that, trollet says. She couldn't imagine hanging on somone, not letting them go, and trying to kiss them even though they seriously don't want it. It has nothing to do with flipping out in the moment and "otherwise being a good guy". The point that good guys/girl don't do that. It's about being full of shit and not seeing, hearing and respecting the other. Not at all. And if you don't do that, how can you then "otherwise be a good guy". The point is that you are not. You are full of shit and the only person you see is yourself and your own desires, needs and whatever.

Sadly the scenario above happens all the time, and many many times it doesn't end at that. Why the bloody hell would you want to have sex with someone that doesn't want it, not at all. Show that you have more power? Make the other feel like nothing and full of fear and hate. Is that, what we call fun sex? Is it?

Trollet had enough of people that are not seeing, hearing and respecting. If someone doesn't see trollet as trollet, hears what she says, when she says: back off, and apparently doesn't respect her, then how the HELL do these people think? that she will suddenly change her mind and say: ok, let's go to my place and fuck until the bed breaks down. Is that logical?

Same goes with comments. It is not okey to say whatever your sick minds thinks of to another human being. But to women, of course to women you can say whatever. You always have the right to comment their bodies and their behavior, because they are women. I mean it is funny, right? Funny to tell someone you don't know, and apparently isn't interested, that you want to fuck her brain out. Funny? Of course, because it was said to a woman.

Come one Trollet, don't be so angry. Don't be so sensitive, I can hear people say. Fuck them, The mind, Trollet and The lump screams all together.

A Question of time

In the spirit of depeche mode it is just a question of time. For what?

Not sure, maybe just in general. Maybe for everything. Trollet is enjoying Saturday and Depeche Mode. Getting ready for the party and most likely an after party as well. Exciting exciting. Lots of parties, lots of people and lots of vibes in the air. Trollet is trying not to receive any more vibes, just stay in her bubble until she leaves the city. Not easy task to stay in a bubble at the same time as attending loads of parties and meeting tons of people. The task is manageable though. Of course it is. The mind is telling Trollet that messes can always be avoided but Trollet is not so convinced. And beside, in all honesty, Trollet enjoys messes. At least if they are so what positive. Nasty messes should definitely be avoided. Oh yes. Trollet has been through some of those also and wouldn't want to do it again anytime soon.

Reach out and touch fait. So they sing. They sing many other things that makes Trollet nod. Music is interesting. The impact of music. Memories. Feelings. Words. Sounds. Rhythms. All details in one functioning constellation. Last night Violent femmes was brought up for discussion. Trollet met a boy in 1996, gave him one of her favorite tapes, which he gave to his girlfriend. His girlfriend wasn't all that happy to receive a tape from some unknown girl. Trollet met him and the girlfriend last night. As they are still together the tape scenario made us laugh. This made Trollet think of Violent Femmes. A good band. She doesn't listen to it that much anymore, but once in a while. Now she is more into melancholic stuff like Buckley, Cranes, bloody Håkan Hällström, John Legend, Magyar Posse, Ralph Meyerz and the Jack Herren band, Sigur Rós, Board of Canada, mixed with some Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Bowie, Depeche Mode, Sublime, Pink Floyd, The Frames, Lars Winnerbäck and Kent, JUST to mention of few. One needs many different kinds of music. For different feelings/moods but also for inspiration. Reggae is also present once in a while. Punk makes an appearance. Good old punk. She blows off the dust from her old punk tapes once in a while and really enjoys it.

Killing Time

It is past midnight and Trollet should probably be sleeping, or at least try, as she has to get up in 7 hours. Instead she is keeping her awake killing time, waiting, longing, waiting to hear all the right things. The things you want and need to hear. Things she wants to hear from that silly lump so far away. Why does she want to hear these things? Why do we in general wants so desperately to hear the things you want to hear, and hear it form that particular one. If someone else utters exactly the same words, it means nothing, really nothing at all. When a silly lump says it, it suddenly has a meaning. It means the world. Maybe The mind is playing tricks with Trollet. Maybe. The mind is not always trustworthy. It keeps trollet awake at nights, it makes trollet do, say and want bizarre things and it is usually on the run. The lump on the other hand is very relaxed. Not really caring what is going on, as long as it involves pleasure and enjoyable times.

Trollet, The mind and The lump are definitely walking on different paths. How to find each other?

It's been a while

Trollet has not been hiding, Trollet has actually been busy. So, yeah, she found out that she got both jobs: the one in Benin and the one in Paris! What to do? Actually it was an easy choice. Benin it is. She couldn't hide her excitement to finally get the job she has been longing for, for so long. Now there was/is much to do and prepare. Vaccinations, medicines, plane ticket, visa, what to do with the apartment and so on. She takes off the 2nd of January, so quite soon indeed. Trollet has been in contact with a girl that worked there, at Villa Karo, last spring and the girl that is there now. Lovely people. She got a lot of useful information. It will be hot, very hot, when she is there. she was told that February-march is the worst, that it can be up to 55 degrees Celsius.. Oh great, she doesn't actually cope with heat very well, but now she will just have to. It is worth it. Worth the suffering. Worth the sweating.

Someone and Rufus has still been in her life. Someone less present as someone decides to take distance from Trollet, to Trollet’s disappointment. But as you can't force someone to be in your life if they don't want to or can't handle it, then you just have to wait until things get back to normal, some sort of normal, whatever that is. She has to admit that she misses someone. Actually a lot. Rufus hasn't been here so actively either. Once in a while, which is nice. Trollet doesn't really need more than that. She is too focused on Benin that she has a hard time with close relationships. Keeping everyone at a distance feels much safer. Safer for the mind, the feelings and the longing she will/would experience when she is sitting there alone and nostalgic in the heat of west Africa. No more mess.

She has also realized that her job actually ends soon. Then she has been working there almost a year, with a few months off during summer time. She has enjoyed it. Especially the people. They are great. She might not work there ever again. The idea feels strange. A colleague told Trollet today that of course she has to come back one day. Yes, of course.. but sadly that -of course- is not so guaranteed. They might not have a job to offer her. Maybe she stays in West Africa, who knows. She has no clue, as all she knows is that she will work at Villa Karo from 1.1-31.5.2008 and then travel for 2 months. When she comes home she will most likely be very lost.

A monday on the couch under the blanket

Saturday Trollet spent at fredu's couch, smoking, drinking coffee, watching movies and playing videogames. What a great day. Just what she needed. Sunday she took along walk in the cold fresh air with that lump that she will from now on call Rufus. Rufus' lumpish friend also came along. The three of them had fun. Silly lumps. Then they had a restaurant looking coffee that Trollet prepared. Monday morning Trollet woke up feeling strange, very cold. Not feeling like a champion, not at all. Neither did Rufus. Trollet went to work, still not feeling good. She worked a few hours until she simply couldn't anymore, so she went to the doctor that stated that she had an eye inflammation + fever. great. She went to the pharmacy and then back home, woke up Rufus and threw herself on the couch. Rufus made her tea all day. It has been a nice day even though they haven't been feeling very well. Trollet might stay home tomorrow as well. She is so incredibly tired and suffering from cold/hot/freezing/burning feeling.

She removed the legs from her bed today. Trollet is content about that. She used to have the bed on the floor for a long time until X had an idea that beds should definitely have legs. Well X isn't here so Trollet's bed will be a legless bed and damn proud of it.

Her legless bed makes her happy but another thing has also made her smile today. They called her today and asked her to come for a second job interview for the job in Benin... Lots of interviews going on. Benin is da shit. So she will really have to convince them to choose her.. Thumbs up. Will be interesting...
Paris...Benin...neither...Turku...Helsinki...unemployed... What road will Trollet end up on?

That someone and that other lump

Trollet is sitting on the train. On the train to Helsinki where she will find out if she is good enough for Paris, or not. We’ll see. Great if she is. Too bad if she isn’t. Trollet will not stress over this. She can’t really influence the decision; she can just be herself, her silly self.

Lots have been going on in Trollet’s life. Feelings all over the place. Many sorts of feelings and various people’s feelings. Life is charming at times like this. Interesting when you realize that someone is just like you, or at least they have been like you most of their life. Someone understands you when no one else does, someone understands the strange ideas others think are way deep in the forest for anyone to understand, someone thinks it is good when you react and wants you to react. Someone is not anyone you are romantically or sexually involved with, just someone that is like you, very much like you. So close and yet so far away. Strange and yet so good. The mind has found a friend in that someone while The lump has found a friend in another lump. The lump is very content. That lump makes this lump feel very good. This lump is enjoying the tender loving care she is receiving from that lump.

Trollet is just a bystander, following every move that The mind says, does and thinks, while The lump says, does and feels something completely different. Is trollet saying that The lump, The mind and Trollet are not really connecting? No, she is not saying that at all. In contrary they are connecting very well. They are all feeling things, reacting, smiling, being silly and living life, all in their own bubble. It is like traveling with someone, you want to be with that person because you enjoy it but at the same time you need to be alone. That it is how it is with The lump, The mind and Trollet. They want to travel together but they also need to experience things on their own. Why do we seem to have a general idea that The mind and The lump should want the same thing? Is it usually so? Nah. Too seldom. Is Trollet now saying that she doesn’t feel a mind connection with that other lump or there is no physical attraction between the mind and that someone? Does she have to answer that? She doesn’t know what to think nor what to say.

The point is that Trollet wouldn’t transform that someone and that lump into one person even if she could as they are so exceptionally different and she wants to have them in her life just as they are. Close but still at a distance, just the way she likes it. They both give her so much pleasure. Hopefully they feel the same.

8 hours later, the same day.
Now she is again on the train, this time to the opposite direction. What direction would she choose if she could just go, go as far as she would want to? Hm, difficult question, she wants to see the world. She could sleep over the decision and instead of going to work she could start a new journey. Then she would probably, quite probably, go south, very far down south. Anyone care to join? Maybe Trollet should go alone. She has moved abroad, alone, quite a few times, but she hasn’t really traveled for longer times by herself. Time to do that?

2 days later.
Trollet is in bed with her laptop that is misbehaving. Trollet has been out partying again which results in the fact that trollet: looks horrible, has a terrible headache, is thinking about silly things, doesn’t want to get out if bed, wonders why she walked away from that lump last night, day dreams, stares at the snow that made an appearance last night/morning at the same time as trollet slowly walked home wondering if she ever does the right thing. Trollet is wondering how that someone is doing. Scary to realize that trollet has no idea how that someone’s mind is working: thoughts, ideas and feelings all over the place, and yet they are so similar. Is that how others see Trollet? Trollet understands that someone so well; it is not enough and nothing will ever be. Always looking for more, always longing for something or someone, that is out of reach. What has made us like this? Never fully satisfied? Sure, we are, but just for a little while, until it is time for something new. Tender loving care doesn’t solve all problems in life.

Trollet has a sore throat and she should make that phone call.