That someone and that other lump

Trollet is sitting on the train. On the train to Helsinki where she will find out if she is good enough for Paris, or not. We’ll see. Great if she is. Too bad if she isn’t. Trollet will not stress over this. She can’t really influence the decision; she can just be herself, her silly self.

Lots have been going on in Trollet’s life. Feelings all over the place. Many sorts of feelings and various people’s feelings. Life is charming at times like this. Interesting when you realize that someone is just like you, or at least they have been like you most of their life. Someone understands you when no one else does, someone understands the strange ideas others think are way deep in the forest for anyone to understand, someone thinks it is good when you react and wants you to react. Someone is not anyone you are romantically or sexually involved with, just someone that is like you, very much like you. So close and yet so far away. Strange and yet so good. The mind has found a friend in that someone while The lump has found a friend in another lump. The lump is very content. That lump makes this lump feel very good. This lump is enjoying the tender loving care she is receiving from that lump.

Trollet is just a bystander, following every move that The mind says, does and thinks, while The lump says, does and feels something completely different. Is trollet saying that The lump, The mind and Trollet are not really connecting? No, she is not saying that at all. In contrary they are connecting very well. They are all feeling things, reacting, smiling, being silly and living life, all in their own bubble. It is like traveling with someone, you want to be with that person because you enjoy it but at the same time you need to be alone. That it is how it is with The lump, The mind and Trollet. They want to travel together but they also need to experience things on their own. Why do we seem to have a general idea that The mind and The lump should want the same thing? Is it usually so? Nah. Too seldom. Is Trollet now saying that she doesn’t feel a mind connection with that other lump or there is no physical attraction between the mind and that someone? Does she have to answer that? She doesn’t know what to think nor what to say.

The point is that Trollet wouldn’t transform that someone and that lump into one person even if she could as they are so exceptionally different and she wants to have them in her life just as they are. Close but still at a distance, just the way she likes it. They both give her so much pleasure. Hopefully they feel the same.

8 hours later, the same day.
Now she is again on the train, this time to the opposite direction. What direction would she choose if she could just go, go as far as she would want to? Hm, difficult question, she wants to see the world. She could sleep over the decision and instead of going to work she could start a new journey. Then she would probably, quite probably, go south, very far down south. Anyone care to join? Maybe Trollet should go alone. She has moved abroad, alone, quite a few times, but she hasn’t really traveled for longer times by herself. Time to do that?

2 days later.
Trollet is in bed with her laptop that is misbehaving. Trollet has been out partying again which results in the fact that trollet: looks horrible, has a terrible headache, is thinking about silly things, doesn’t want to get out if bed, wonders why she walked away from that lump last night, day dreams, stares at the snow that made an appearance last night/morning at the same time as trollet slowly walked home wondering if she ever does the right thing. Trollet is wondering how that someone is doing. Scary to realize that trollet has no idea how that someone’s mind is working: thoughts, ideas and feelings all over the place, and yet they are so similar. Is that how others see Trollet? Trollet understands that someone so well; it is not enough and nothing will ever be. Always looking for more, always longing for something or someone, that is out of reach. What has made us like this? Never fully satisfied? Sure, we are, but just for a little while, until it is time for something new. Tender loving care doesn’t solve all problems in life.

Trollet has a sore throat and she should make that phone call.