Self destructiveness

Why are trolls/lumps/minds self destructive? Why do you do something you know you will suffer from, really feel sick from, both physically and mentally? Why do you push away the people you feel the most connected with? Why do you hurt yourself in order to feel. Why do some almost kill themselves trying to feel something? Why are we/They/some so self destructive? Why do you want the things you can't have? Just because you can't have it, you want it even more, you want it desperately. If you finally get it, you don't even know what to do with it. It is fucked up. Minds are fucked up, really twisted bastards.

Why is the mind thinking about this? Not sure. The lump is very tired, the mind is searching while Trollet is standing in the middle not knowing where to go. Someone told Trollet she should stop having relationships with men. That is why trollet has felt so lonely in relationships, that no one understands her, that someone said. Is that so? She would like to think that if and when she falls for someone it is because it is that particular person, not because it is a man. So could she have a relationship with a woman. Certainly, yes. But trollet wouldn't say that women in general understand her any better. It is some particular people that understand her quite well, both men and women. Maybe it is still time for something different? It is true that all her serious relationships have been with men. Why is that so? It could have been just as well women. Trollet has probably been so stuck in some heteronormative thinking. Ah, she is tired of herself. Love is blind, right? so why wouldn't it be gender-blind? The point is that it IS, but not everyone has understood it yet.