Happiness

What is happiness? Happiness is an emotional state that is characterized by feelings of satisfaction and enjoyment. Okey, but what does this tell Trolls? The mind is convinced that different Trolls and lumps can be be happy and feel happiness from very different things. Some are happy when things are calm when others are happy when being on the edge. Isn't this rather a feeling of temporary happiness? That you feel happy, ecxited and content in the moment. Maybe, maybe not. Is there something like a general feeling of happiness? A feeling that penetrates everything, your soul, your body, your well being and everything connected to it? The mind looks confused, has no answers. The mind likes to speculate but doesn't always have all the answers. All she knows is that the Unity: the mind, trollet and the lump is happy. the lump is relaxed, the mind is content and trollet is smiling. There is a silly lump out there talking on the radio that makes her smile. The lump makes her feel good, not only about herself but good in a general sense. Life seems a but easier. Maybe that is what happiness is all about? The feeling that everything is not so bloody difficult and complicated. Happiness allows you to enjoy life to the max.

Too much to be able to say one single word.

What a week. Too much has happened. Trollet is uncapable to utter one single reasonable word. The mind is rowing again. This time the mind is rowing at the blue windy sea. It's not rowing hysterically to get away, no, it is simply rowing in order to put all thought in the right place. The lump is exhausted while Trollet is content. She is happy with the way things have turned out, very happy. It wasn't something she could have guessed nor planned, but she is very content.

Sometimes life decides to take a fast unexpected turn. One can choose to jump out in the turn or hold on tight and see what comes next. Trollet is defenitely one of those that holds on tight and eagerly waits to see what is behind next hill. Life is for some trolls a slow moving river while others constantly live in the waterfall. Somewhere in between is ideal, for Trollet. She couldn't handle the slow motion while a constant waterfall is just too wild and restless. She needs a stable river to paddle on with a few waterfalls of different sizes here and there. She needs the excitement in both expected and unexpected doses. This time it was a large waterfall to handle, with a few smaller ones to spice things up, followed by an enormous waterfall at the end. These waterfalls that occured were both expected and unexpected. One could have hoped but never known for sure. Hopefully she will now have some time to paddle on a very slow moving river, just to rest. She is content on her river. Some small happy waterfall are welcome but not a very steep one where she falls down helplessly. No, that she doesn't want. Trollet wants to paddle, but not alone. She is lucky she has someone to paddle with. Someone that enjoys paddling as much as exciting waterfalls. Maybe they can paddle, get wet, brused and survive the waterfalls together. One can always wish.

Healthy like a tiger

Trollet is very healthy, or at least so the doctor said. In matter of fact she said that trollet couldn't be any healthier, alright ! Trollet still has to check the head, the physical part in the head, so called brain. Trollets gray lump. The gray mass is chilling but making awfully much noise. Maybe it just needs some tender loving care. Just like Trollet. Just like we all do. Trollet is very pleased with the visite to the doctor and she is also going to Helsinki today. Exciting times.

Writing a book.

Trollet found her inspiration that has been hiding somewhere. She is continuing writing the book. She enjoys it, it's a good way of entering another reality. Easy to dream away, and in this case very far away. It makes her smile. It has been a good weekend. Friday she spent with bro, eating, biking and drinking a few beers. Saturday the rented a canoe, that was great and the rest of the day they just chilled out with K.

Today Trollet met B, that was nice. A long talk and a coffee. Tomorrow will be an eventful day. First Trollet will get the results.. The mind is wondering what trollet will hear. Not much she quesses. Maybe more after thursday. Ah, actually she is quite sure that won't say anything of importance. We'll see. In the afternoon she goes to Helsinki, which will be more than just interesting. What to think, excpect, do, hope? Nothing is the deal. Is that so easy? One more thing that trollet just have to wait for and see how it goes. One can never know what happens. Life is strange. The main thing though is that it feels good, and she is looking forward to it.

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Life goes on, right?

You climb up the stairs, feel the wind in your hair for a while, suddenly you loose the grip and you fall down, it hurts. Sometimes it hurts more than other times. But you still have to get up and move on, right? Trollet is getting up. She will not put her foot on the stairs quite yet but she is almost standing, on the ground. She has good people around her who make her smile. She has plenty of things to look forward to, in her near future so why wouldn't she get up. Hanging with brother, chill time with M in Helsinki, dinners, wine, summerhouse with sister&lucas, and then trip with K. Sound good.

All this doesn't mean that she wouldn't be thinking of partner, because she does. She didn't wish this. It wasn't suppose to go like this. This was the worst case scenario. They were suppose to live happily ever after. But because they didn't live happily ever after this was the right thing to do.

Sometimes you can be so wrong.

Ok, so partner didn't understand. He thought Trollet had changed her mind. So what happened? Well suddenly he started packing all his things, even though they just talked about the fact that he can have his stuff there as Trollet will be away for some time. Nope. He packad all things and left. He was sad and pissed off. Trollet was just sitting there starring at him packing. Felt very dramatic. But then again her decision felt very dramatic for partner. Maybe this was for the best, that everything went so fast and dramatic. Wouldn't exactly be easier for him nor for her if he lived there and secretley hoped for them to get back together. Yes, it was and is Trollet's decision but still she felt very very sad. Who know when she will see him again, he is out of her life. Empty. The feeling is extremely empty and lonely. Luckily K was available and came over. Felt much better to have someone to talk to than sitting in the flat alone.

What will Trollet do now? Well first of all sleep but also keep herself busy as it doesn't get better sitting home alone. She needs time to be on her own, think and just relax a bit. She is so so tired from this and from so much else. Disappointments have been too many and too present. Feels like she can't take no more failures. When does it start to go uphill? Hopefully soon.

pictures

by the way, pics from the summer house

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=9589&l=8f3a2&id=688982348

Trollet let it all out

Yesterday was a tough day, a very tough one. Trollet was really miserable in the evening. So tired from it all, all the disappointements, all the sadness, the anger and the fact that she can't keep a relationship together. Partner actually had to console her and he finally understood her. He finally understood all her sadness and couldn't agree more that she needs to be alone, find some inner peace and find happiness. In her state of miserability she was also really relived that he finally understood and doesn't try to convince her to stay anymore. He really wants her to be happy. This morning was much brighter. Today will be strange, as tonight the real good bye takes place. He goes to the archipelago tomorrow morning and when he comes back, Trolles is gone. They might not see each other until fall. It is for the best, as they can't keep on living in a one room flat, but on the other hand it feels empty. He will really not be there anymore. Trollet is alone again.

It's over, it's all over

Trollet did it: she said that she can't handle it no more. She has to run and be on her own. Is she happy about it, is she relieved, is she excited about being single again? No No No. She is quite sad, confused and tired. Partner is a mess. He wants them to give each other time and love. He wants things to be good. But they aren't and they haven't been for a while. Trollet hasn't been happy. Has she done the right thing now? She doesn't know, she knows nothing anymore. But yes, she thinks she has. The gut feeling tells her that, even though it is very very difficult to see partner so sad. She just want to hug him and say that things will be okey, but they won't. She has to esacpe. They still live together so things aren't easy. It is actually a bloody mess.

The mind has escaped

Trollet spent the weekend at the summerhouse, which was absolutely the best thing to do. She got to be for herself, think, enjoy the sea, the win and the sun, be happy, dream about new exciting things, situation and a special lump. Now she is back in the mess, that she doesn't want to be in anymore. She wants to run, run as fast as she can. Just escape it all. On the other hand she doesn't want to esacape all of it. There is one part of the mess she enjoys, but things are very complicated. Why does it always have to be like this? Is trollet just a bloody mess or what the hell is the problem? She doesn't know. The mind is totally lost, the lump is indefferent and trollet is dreaming.

Silent like a wall

Trollet is silent like a wall. Partner is asking her to speak, asking her to say what she feels, thinks about and what she wants. Trollet is silent. She feels like she is inside a metal box and no matter how loud she screams noone can hear her. It is okey being in the metal box as she doesn't know what to say. Partner is pushing her to say it. say it. What the bloody hell does she want? The mind is very confused. The lump is tired and Trollet is just sad. The unity doesn't work at all. She knows that partner is trying, really trying to make her happy and make the relationship work, but she is in the box and can't be reached. The box is also getting thicker and trollet is sinking further down. Every other day the mind wants to open the box and be present. Be present in -now-, be present in the relationship. Every other day she wants to close the box, glue it tight together, with her inside.

Trollet knows that it isn't an easy task being involved with the mind, the lump and trollet. The mind might be rowing away in cold water, the lump might be extremely lazy and absent while Trollet is just out and about. On the other hand she also belives that the unity is, once in a while, a lovely unity to be involved with. Most of the time she is happy, passionate about things, spontanious, wild, caring, and present. This is not how it is now. Sorry.