In between emotions

Trollet is right in between big emotions. Wanting to feel, just breaking down all the walls around her, and feel, feel enormous emotions that are inside of her. She wants to show them, tell that someone in a way that someone would understand, without feeling trapped. In all honesty she has no idea what she wants from that someone, she just can’t stop thinking about and wanting to be in that someone’s company. At the same time she also wants to pack her bag and leave, just run, run like hell. She is good at that. She wants to put it all in a little box that she can open once in a while and be remembered of a great passion. Maybe that is all it is, passion? Maybe. Wouldn’t be the first time.

She will be stuck with herself, just the mind, the lump and Trollet in Benin. No one else. She enjoys doing that, going to places where she knows no one but she just realized today that she is doing it again. Trollet is leaving. Of course she knew that she is leaving, it is her choice, but it really hit her today. She will leave with all these emotions, not knowing what to do with them. Time changes things, in good and bad. Now she doesn’t know what time will do to these emotions and that feels like standing on the edge of a tree branch that someone is slowly breaking. If she doesn’t move from the edge she will just fall down. So should she jump? Should she try to reach the tree? Should she wait for the fall? Should she try to climb up or down? No idea. What she does is escaping. She has never escaped this far before. Well once she took the train to china. Benin still feels further away, in many ways.

Trollet is surprised about all these mixed emotions about many things and important people. It really hit her today that she is leaving and suddenly she felt like the glass in too full to hold its content. Its running over, which might be a good thing. If the glass is too full it is good to pour some of it out, in the sink. Which part is she pouring out? The strong emotions? No, she can’t, they are not willing to leave the glass. Maybe she is just pouring out the confusions that she is feeling. Lots of the emotions got to do with the fact that she is leaving for a great adventure and she doesn’t know what to except and all that, but not all of them. Maybe she will find some “inner peace”, whatever that is, at the beaches of Grand Popo. Or then not. Maybe she will be able to separate some feelings in 5 months, what has been excitement about leaving, passion for someone, love for someone, an urge to leave and so on. Maybe someone also knows but they don’t reach the same point. It is all possible. It is called living.