Empty

Christmas holiday is over and Trollet is back in Turku. She feels incredibly empty. Where are all the great emotions she just had? Are they gone? No, she is just trying to hold it all together. Trying to be rational, which is not always the easiest.

Trollet spent Christmas holidays talking about Benin with relatives. Some thought that it sounded quite interesting while her uncle said: “have fun with the niggers”... WHAT do you say to that?? Maybe nothing, too chocked to say anything at all. Grandma couldn’t understand why Trollet would go there in the first place, WHY Africa? She thinks that as Trollet has a master degree she should get a job in that area. Trollet tried to explain that she has a master degree in philosophy… and that doesn’t simply give you a job. She couldn’t then understand why Trollet has studied it if she knew all along that she wouldn’t get a direct job out of it. Trollet tried again to explain that she doesn’t want to have an ordinary job, whatever that is; that she wants to travel the world. That she doesn’t find it appealing to settle down at one place. Grandma said that Trollet is weird and a confused being; that of course one has to settle down, have a family and get a proper job. Trollet again explained that this Benin job experience is also a part of a bigger picture. This might open new doors, new opportunities. And that philosophy is fascinating and studies in it gives you an incredible base for further pondering. What is there to ponder about, grandma said? Well yes, one can wonder, what is there to ponder about. How about the phrase above “have fun with the niggers”…

Trollet doesn’t expect grandma to understand her or her lifestyle (luckily she only knows small small fragments of it) as grandma never had the chance to study as they couldn’t afford it. She has worked from the age of 16 at the same factory. Then she got two daughters and when they were around 10 her husband died. She has always struggled with money and security was the most important thing, which Trollet can understand. Based on this it is understandable that grandma doesn’t understand Trollet’s way of life, but one would also think that she could be happy that Trollet now has this fantastic opportunity to travel, work abroad and be a free spirit. Nope. Old dogs don’t learn to sit and grandmas don’t learn to appreciate new ways of thinking and living.

Trollet also got the question if she plans to take someone from Benin with her back home. Who, she asked? Well someone, an African, or a few. What? You can’t just take someone with you home, sounds like people talk about domestic pets. Will you take a puppy with you home, for your amusement? What is wrong with people? So just because I am a white female I can go to Africa and take a few men with me home? Hey, hello!!

Trollet is empty, very empty.